behind the bump.

Okay. I’ll start by saying that I didn’t have the picturesque pregnancy that you see on t.v, movies and more often than not “mommy blogs” Spotlighting Little baby so-and-so and her perfect little outfits with absolutely zero grape juice stains or cracker crumbs. (okay, i’ll stop being so bitter.)

fuandhappiness

Point is.. It’s so easy to get carried away in this crazy internet world sometimes, that we forget we’re  human. Life isn’t a
commercial. My house doesn’t look like a page out of Better Homes and Gardens, or American Baby magazine,  I don’t shop at H&M or the Gap and i have no idea how to make you the perfect DIY matching mother and baby outfits.. but i get by.  What I can say is this:  life is messy, and i kind of like it that way.


stfu

 Also. Pregnancy more often than not fails to compare to a page in a magazine. You might not look how  you think you’re “supposed to look” and even more shocking, what everyone failed to mention to me was You might not feel the way you’re supposed to feel.  I’m sick to death of seeing it portrayed so damn one-sided.  If i had taken weekly “bump pics” they’d have me holding a sign over my ridiculous belly that said “what the F$%! is happening to me!?”

majestic

From the get-go nothing really went the way i had imagined it. Lots of people, as well as a doctor told us it could (and probably would) take up to six months to get pregnant. Well. We were misinformed. After one month of actively trying, those two little lines showed up. Clear as day.  No. I’m not bragging to those who are reproductively challenged, Just saying. We thought we had more time.

I think I wandered around for a few weeks in disbelief. This can’t be real.  And no matter how much we wanted it, no matter how long i dreamed about what it would be like, I still was in the mindset that pregnancy just couldn’t happen to me. 

canigetpreg

In the beginning culinary school was taking up most of my time.The day i found out i was pregnant was also the day i landed a full-time job as a cook in a restaurant.  That meant six-hour mornings in a kitchen, as well as eight or nine hours in a different kitchen in the afternoon. I was in first trimester hell and doing it all while smelling like a spicy kielbasa.  It was messy. The hours were long and the breaks were few and far between. On top of that, i couldn’t stand the smell of meat cooking, and damn did i want a beer.

By the end of the day I had seen my husband for a grand total of an hour before we were both asleep. His long hours on top of my long hours made for a very strained relationship. I felt gipped. I was going to be putting my body through this kind of madness, and I can’t even pretend to enjoy it.  No being pampered or taken care of. No begging hubby for a Hershey bar at 1am. nada. Isn’t that supposed to be the enjoyable part of pregnancy?

eatfeelings

Around four months I had called it quits from school and switched jobs. The hours were shorter and I got a chance to rest a bit more, but life is incredibly lonely for a 20-something with absolutely no friends to speak of and the limitations of pregnancy. Hubs still wasn’t home until very late in the evening and only had 1 day off per week(if he was lucky). Lonely.

nofriends

I also kept waiting for that super maternal feeling to kick in too. Rather than feeling like super mom-to-be i felt more like a host to an alien parasite most of the time. There were no cute pinterest inspired maternity and family photos. There was no registry. There was no baby shower. No girlfriends to go shopping with and a husband who was more or less gone my entire pregnancy. I felt like i was robbed of the whole pregnancy experience. And then this happened..

nothingtowear

Don’t get me wrong, there were moments and even days where i felt super connected and extremely excited but a lot of the time i just felt completely separate from this little baby I was growing. I didn’t quite feel the love yet.  She also didn’t have a name. I’m sure that  was an important factor.  I was so afraid that I wasn’t going to love her when she finally arrived. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be a Mom any more and boy did I need a beer.

Now. Here I am, months later, Still in a haze of disbelief, mixed up with sleep deprivation and a healthy dose of spit up and drool..
I don’t think there was anything that really could have prepared me for what i was in store. The hours are long. The pay sucks. I’m still a little lonely, and trying to wrap my head around the whirl wind of events that have taken place… But the kid’s pretty cool. I kinda like her. And at least now I can have that damn beer. 

and in order to stay sane, i just have to keep telling myself this…

stopcomparing